The highways that bind

Today is 12july, 2016, didi's turning 33, and 2 years to the day mittul told me he doesn't want to speak with me again, but that isn't why i have mustered the effort to write to this blog, which as is evident, has been seldom. Third post in 2 years, and a handful of ones written on paper, it is worth it, that i am typing this out on my mobile phone, so please hear me out, and ignore the typos.

Every day of these 2 years has been as long as a lifetime. Everyday i have gotten up and been grateful for being alive, for now i know the beauty, the grace, the wonder of being alive in the human form. The initial days/months were tough, and i know i am not kidding when i say i didn't know if i would have survived or passed away to another realm. Those days brought exquisite, unparalleled experiences, synergies (of me meeting surrounding energies), expansions, seeing the light that makes everything, "talking" to the trees.

Each day since is a blessing, no less, to be able to survive, breathe, comprehend the world and be a part of it without being too indiscreet of showing what i have seen and experienced. But, i digress. The reason why i came here to write this post. What i saw/heard/smelt/felt today in meditation.

The serpent dance. This whole world, perhaps even the mighty universe, is the dance of the Divine. I can call it dance because it is beautiful, it is exquisite, it is chaotic, it is moving, it is not random, and yes it has a source, an origination, an inspiration. I do not yet know what the source wants. The serpent dances. Energies flow, the cyclone goes on. The center is stable, quiet, still. The surroundings are a whirlwind, and this is no exaggeration. I am not sure if i am making sense, and perhaps it is not meant to make sense, for this is farther than the mind can view. This will be relateable to one who has experienced it, seen the view. To the other, i dont know. And perhaps its not for me to know.

The dance of the serpent. Only when we meditate, when we get quiet inside, real, real quiet, do we begin to hear this hum, be able to see this dance. It pervades everything, for it makes everything. It is the underlying wave. All the 'things' in this world are vibrating at a certain wavelength, and this wavelength of the serpent connects everything. It is found everywhere. It defines everything. But you can't just wish it and see it. You need to grow silent. Very very silent. Not just on the surface. But on the inside. Go within. Get calm. Meditate everyday, not hankering for "peace", or feeling of "oneness". Do not chase experiences, that isnt meditation. The reward of meditation is meditation itself. Keep doing it. Some days you wont feel it, thats ok. Because i have seen today, that even on days you dont feel anything special, you have contributed to the quietitude.

The dance of the serpent underlies everything. Keep growing silent, and the serpent will you show you its treasures. Therein lies your path, your choice. She will show you the path of money, the path of love, the path of relationships, the path of companionship, the path of family, the path of fame, success. And then the next level, you just need to keep meditating, keep getting calmer and calmer, when She will let you choose the path you desire. Money? Go stand there, on the "highway" where money flows crazy, and get it. As much as you can desire. Relationships? A different highway. Companionship? Another highway. She will give you what you ask for.

Listen to me. Dont fall for it. Keep going. Ask for Moksha. Dont fall for the mediocrities, when the treasure lies ahead.

The dance of the serpent.

The highways.

The flowing streams.

The cyclones, the typhoons.

You, quiet, sitting still. Testimony to everything.

Patience will be rewarded. Perseverance will be rewarded.

Dont fall for the temporary pleasures.

A soul can choose them, its ok. That lifetime will then be spent experiencing that particular thing. Its not bad. But you will come back. To tread the path again. To face the choice again. Over and over again. Until you are not moved by it. By food, money, pleasure, sex. None of it you shall have. You are bidding for the highest of them. Because all of the others require you to come back. Only one doesnot. Choose it mayank.

You can make this one your last, if you choose well.

silent, calm...

kaise kahun kya chal raha hai dimaag me. abhi piat se baat kari. he spoke with his photographer friend B today, his colleague, who was troubled from his job search. p asked b, how do u switch off? b was overwhelmed. me and p were discussing this. how do we describe what meditation is. i cannot. one has to experience this. mera, as shri mataji puts it, my consciousness has entered my central nervous system. i know now ki i exist. human form me abhi. pehle kuch aur. baad me kuch aur. ab jab subah dhyan karta hu, jab apne ye hamburg ke ghar ke mandir me matha tek ta hu, sab pichhli baatein chhod deta hu. 0 pe aa jata hu. roz aisa karta hu. roz duniya ko experience karta hu. subah se raat tak. logo se interact karta hu. apni life ka kuch sochta hu. advertisements dekhta hu. shopping karta hu. purane dosto ke baare me sochta hu. itna kuch ikattha kar leta hu. fir agli subah, matha tek ta hu, 0 pe aa jata hu. kaise bataun kya hai ye. i realize i am none of the things i have experienced yesterday. yes, they will help me grow, to evolve. i learn everyday from people around me. i stay optimistic. i see challenges, i see things that are going good at the moment, i celebrate what i have, i keep patience. i try not to get angry. i try to stay humble. and 0 tells me i am none of these. i am. i am. this life as a human, gives chance to experience happiness, sadness, extreme exultation, tragedy, success, defeat, arrogance, humility. but i am none of these. i experience all this. i am not this. i am purity. i am. i am made of some fabric of life, which animates the whole universe. the kundalini. prana. i am that. everything is that. baaki sab uske 1000 forms hai. separation into these forms helps one form to experience all the other forms. shows me i can be so many things. this knowledge that i can be, shows me there is room for growth. i can be improved. at the same time i am made of this fabric. i am perfect.
everything is perfect, everything can be improved. this sentence is like adding of two planes, of two perspectives. from the perspective of i am the fabric, the first holds true. from the perspective of the manifested world, i still have the possibility of experiencing the other 999 forms. so the second holds true.
now i dont feel ambition. job imp nahi hai. to be there with dad, woh imp hai. he has been there for me when i was helpless, a kid. i couldnt do anything for myself. now i can. now i should be with him. bas yehi matter karta hai. uske alawa, job toh sirf aisi cheez hai jo main apne ko employed rakhne me use karta hu. taki sara din khali na baithu and muzzle up my brain, i give my brain some activity. abi tak aisa lagta hai mereko job hai. of course it brings money, jiss se ghar chalta hai. shaadi hoti hai. bachhe bade hote hai. thankfully abhi aisi haalat nahi hai ki paise kamane hai to stay alive. we are not seeing the phase our parents have seen. so kaam karna hai. baaki kya chaen se zindagi bitani hai.
i have to work towards building something, but with a frame of mind ki ye mereko affect nahi karta. kal nahi hua toh koi baat nahi. it is not a requisite for my peace. my peace is dependent on my awareness of who i really am. which at the moment is a function of my daily meditations. baaki sab toh distractions hai. jab tak full awareness nahi aati, tab tak apne dimaag ko busy rakho. zindagi ko experience karo.
i have just completed a few of my karmic relationships. now i feel i am resting between phases. preparing for the next phase. isme saathi mil jaye, achha lagega mereko. jo mereko samjhe. accept kare.
xx zindagi.

Blitzkrieg

The word i learnt in class 10, referring to the wars during the second world war. literally means "lightening wars". my life has turned into a blitzkrieg. awareness has shot through the roof. perception of everything around me is really high. From morning till evening i am absorbing everything happening around me with a ferocious appetite. And then night falls, I come back home, bow before my altar, and I feel, I have come to the centre of the cyclone. If only for some minutes, the world stops spinning. Sanity returns.
It's not easy to live with remembrances of actions in past lives. All the hurt caused, it's not easy to live with. Now I know why my own higher self was protecting myself from remembering these memories. It's one of the hardest things to live with - knowledge of the fact that you have hurt the ones you love most. And as an effect, in this lifetime, love to those ones is felt most intensely. That's the punishment - to suffer from their absence. It's perhaps fitting. But if forgiveness could be granted.. I wouldn't ask for more. I am sorry.
Then I remember - I am forgiven. Your spirit came to me and told me, all is well, the debt is settled now, forgiveness has been granted. And I cry a second time, this time with gratitude.

If there is one thing one should not do, is to hurt someone else. The punishment comes in harsh ways.